JANUARY 23, 2021
(But Just Kidding)
The sophist industry appears to be thriving.
Some unreal and imaginative, hypothetical examples:
- No, Mark, you do not want to have our beauticians fashion a new hairstyle for you. That haircut makes you look like an innocent seven-year old and is one of the reasons you are so rich. (Last month’s statement is enclosed.)
- Now, William, the Mrs. will sit on your left and somewhat closer to the cameras that are filming this episode than your seat to her right will be. Don’t worry. We are not trying to limit your importance. Rather, our objective here is to rebalance the relationship between the two of you. We are aiming at women this week. With all those news blasts of you with male newsmakers last month, you have inadvertently fashioned yourself in a “superior”-and-unattractive, especially-to-women,” role. In short, you are slipping, and we need to address things pronto. There is critical need for readjustment here. So, for this film clip, the Mrs. will do more talking than you. Doesn’t matter what she says, only that she occupies more of the time, just as she will be more prominent than you on the screen. This seating arrangement, moreover, makes it easy for you and her to exchange glances – not “lovingly,” but “knowingly.” Sort of like exchanging something only the two of you know. Believe me, this can be a game changer job in the public view. It will redress the imbalance by augmenting Mrs. M without denigrating you in any way. We have had at least a dozen of our best people, women especially, on this. (Our two-week statement is enclosed.)
- We have your request for this month, Jack, and we have given it full and lengthy evaluation. It is our conclusion that you do not, under any circumstances, want to refashion your public image into a mature champion of womanhood. We can get you into the news with statements on forest fires, spotted owls, and smoke, but it is way too late to redo the carefully constructed public image we have fashioned for you as a carefree slob. Relax, we are all happy with what we have wrought. ( Our bill for last week is enclosed.)
- No, Geoff, the idea that you might overcome the ill effects of your flamingly dumb (from a PR perspective) divorce with public statements on a woman’s right to choose an abortion is a non-starter. Let me give you the best advice for you to follow for at least twelve months – shut up! (Last week’s statement is enclosed.)